RELATIONSHIP: He Claims to Love Me But Doesn't Call, What Do I Do?

Hi V.

I'm a corper serving in one of the South-south states. While in camp, I met a former secondary school mate of mine and we reconnected. Since then, we've been inseparable. She told me she has an older cousin who wants a serious girlfriend and she'd like me to be that girl. Being single, I accepted. 

She then introduced us on bbm, sent him my pictures and showed me his. We got talking, exchanged phone numbers and started keeping in touch. While i'm in the South-south, he resides in Lagos which is quite far away, so we havent been able to see. 

The problem is, he doesn't call as often as before. Always giving excuses about being very busy but yet he claims to be in love with me. I on the other hand, have fallen totally for him and find myself always calling, wanting to know how he is faring. 

He doesn't start up a chat with me on bbm and whenever I do, it takes him long to reply. 

Whenever I complain to my friend (his cousin), she tries to make me understand that he is very busy and that I should be patient with him.

Sometimes I take to her advice and just relax, without calling, But even when I don't call for over a week, he too won't call! It really hurts and I don't know what to do. 

Dear readers, what do you think? What should she do? What would you do?

Nollywood Actress Stella Damasus Advises Women on How to Keep Their Man [READ]

She writes: 

Anyway let me go to the topic I want to discuss today "keeping your man".This is for the married women o please this is not targeted at single girls.

Now we know that the one thing men cannot live without apart from money is SEX. In this forum I really don't care where anyone is from or what religion you belong to, I will be as raw and honest as possible.

I do not understand why women especially Africans do not talk about sex when we know that it is the one thing we do regularly with so much pleasure.

Anyway our men love sex to the max and we know that for a fact. So how come when we are dating them we are so willing to give them what they want even though we know it is wrong. The first few years of marriage is filled with sex almost five times a day in different parts of the house and at odd hours, but after the few years we start to back down, we start to make excuses, we start to see it as a chore and then we let them know that we are really not interested in them physically.

Wow, what happened to the lady fox, the hot chic, the sexy cat that he got married to?

What happened to the babe that would understand the signal he would give and immediately comply?

What happened those times when he would race home to his sexy energetic ever ready wife who would make him feel wanted?

I know that most of you will say "I have kids who wear me out, I have work that drains me, I got older, my sex drive has gone under, I have a headache" to the point that the man will need to get a visa at your "embassy" to visit his favorite place in the World.

When you do this to him, how do you expect him to come home everyday to look at your tired, grumpy and unfriendly face?

How would you expect him to come home to you complaining about the plumber, your child that was being rude, and your boss that gave you a hard time?

NOOOOOOO please.

At that point he wants you to take him to that special place were the sky is so wonderful and turn his brain around to the point that all you say will sound like sweet music to his ears.

These men are human beings who go through their own challenges, half of which you don't even know because they are trying to save you from all the stress.

What annoys me the most is when we women start to complain and nag about the men not having time for us, and how they no longer find us attractive anymore and that's where the suspicion starts. That's when the saying comes, "if he is not getting it from me someone else must be giving it to him".

I don't encourage cheating at all in fact it goes against what the bible teaches no matter what. I will not also judge anyone who has been caught in a web he is not proud of for one reason or the other. I believe that if we are truly sorry for our sins and we go to God with the determination not to sin again, he is merciful and will forgive us.

In all of this I know that all men are not beasts, neither are they evil because we married them. I also know that men do not get married and carry it at the back of their minds that they must cheat. That's not how it works please. There are things that we do that trigger things in their brains and these things drive them to do things that they really would not have done. Most of us believe it when they say men don’t think with their brains but they think with their penis. I beg to differ because they know what they are doing and I don’t see how the penis can have a brain that will control the whole body. There is always something that sparks off in the brain that sends the signal to the penis.

You may or may not agree with me but this is what I choose to believe. Most men we married are not so evil and dubious, some may be cowards but cast your mind back to the kind of man you chose to marry and see if there were traces of that character or not.

What men want: 

- They want to feel like they are in control of things which is not bad because they are the head.

- They want to feel loved and like it or not they are our first babies who desire words of affirmation no matter how macho they seem.

- They want to feel WANTED all the time, it gives them the confidence that all men crave for.

- They want to know you are still sexually attracted to them.

- They don't want you to make it obvious that you are smatter even if you are.

- They like their space and alone time.

- They don't want to come home to a fat mama who is the opposite of the sexy curvy woman he fell in love with, because she let herself go after they got married. 

Why should she try and look the same? She is married now, who else does she have to impress? WRONG! Men are first of all moved by what they see before anything else. So when they can't see that anymore or at least an effort to getting back that body that turned them on, they'll probably lose interest in you and find someone else.

- They don't want to come and hug you after work with you smelling of onions and oil. At least take a shower before he gets there or if there is no time spray perfume.

- They want to come home to a nice smelling neat and tidy home.

- They want to walk into the bedroom with the bed all made up and clothes arranged. Maybe a small note on his pillow saying I love you and I am glad you are home, that definitely puts an automatic smile on his face even if for three seconds, it keeps him interested in you

- They want you to be a good listener not just a talker.

- They want to know that you believe in them and you are proud of them.

- They want to know that no matter what you will have their back and support them, then ask questions later.

- They just want to see that you are making an effort because no human should expect you to be perfect.

- They don't want another mother but they want you to take care of them the way you would your kids.

- They want a wife, girlfriend, sorry to say (personal call girl) which is not a bad thing because he is your husband who is free to express his sexual desires as long as they are not life threatening or demeaning.

There are so many things I can add and you will not stop reading so let me end this by saying: if you do not try to do at least 60% of this regularly, trust me a younger version of you will cross his path and that is exactly how the enemy works. When that younger and more energetic version of you catches his eye, your matter will quietly end. This girl will rock his world so bad that coming home to you will become a chore. These girls can give him all these things and even more that the men find it so difficult to resist. All the money that was supposed to go to you and your children will find their way to her pocket. They can get anything they want from your man because they know the secret to getting and keeping him.

I know that this article will cause a lot of controversial wahala but it is fine because in life people don't like to hear the truth. This might also be an opportunity for people to make silly comments but the truth is I am loving it all. I finally have the attention of people who will ordinarily not want to listen to me or watch me.

Ladies on a more serious note, if you are guilty of these crimes and are depriving your husband of what is rightfully his then don't be shocked when a younger version of you gets the best of him.

I will let you all know when the extended version of this topic will be on my YouTube channel. God will bless your homes and give you the wisdom you need to keep it together.

Think about this objectively, try out what you agree with and discard what you don't. Leave the messenger out of it for a change and see the bigger picture ahead.

Take care of yourselves and remember that I love you all. 

******

Ermm, okay to the "controversial wahala" part. Of course, it would spark some controversy because of her status in the society. 

1. She's neither married nor un-married.

2. She's currently in a relationship with a yet-to-be-divorced movie maker

I could go on and on but... 

Let me allow you guys be the judge. 

Considering her social/relationship status, what do you think about this write-up? 

With lines like "This is for the married women o please this is not targeted at single girls" and "So how come when we are dating them we are so willing to give them what they want even though we know it is wrong", I can't help but be confused about what she really stands for.

In my opinion though, there's a lot more to the Stella-Daniel-Doris circle. I'll be sure to bring the full gist if an when it blows up! 

Relationships: Are You Ready For Marriage? Lets Find out....

1) If you believe strongly that you must always have the last say in an argument, you’re not ready for marriage.

2) If you don’t like anyone invading your space, you’re not ready.

3) If you’re a lady, and you don’t cook or don’t like to, your marriage is not likely to be easy or funny.

4) If you always say things exactly how they come to your mind not caring who is hurt, you’re headed for a rocky and ultimately likely to crash marriage.

5) If you believe that you’re who you are and no one can change that, you’re not ready.

6) If you think about others only when you’ve fully sorted yourself out, you’re not ready.

7) If you are so good at holding a grudge and you’ll only let go when you feel like, stay unmarried.

8 If you’re a man and you’re not engaged in ventures or a process in time that can financially take care of your immediate family and beyond, you need to give yourself a few more years to be ready.

9) If you believe that women at best should be good in bed and kitchen affairs only, you’ll end up having a bitter and subdued wife; stay away.

10) If your mind can’t conceive the thought of having a more successful wife, even if it’s temporary, then you have a little growing up to do. Welcome to the real world, stuff happens.

11) If as a man, you’re easily swayed and pressurized to do things against your wish, you’re not ready for marriage.

12) If you have no confidence in your capability and your future, you have no business taking someone else with you.

13) If as a man, you don’t have a mentor or leader you follow, listen or defer to, you’re not going to be able to lead your family.

14) If you can’t have a wedding ceremony within a budget you can personally afford, give yourself more time. Who says you can’t have 20 guests or less at your wedding? Cut your coat according to your cloth and take responsibility. As a man, you can define how small or large you want your wedding ceremony to be and be able to handle it.

15) If you have an anger problem such that you can destroy things when you’re angry, get a therapist to help you through managing it. Otherwise, engage God’s help for the change you seek. With anger issues, you’re disaster waiting to explode.

So so so... Are you ready for marriage?